As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more aware of my strengths, but also made peace with my limitations.

It’s a relief to accept that I will never be especially extroverted, good with directions, or have other qualities I once felt inferior for lacking. I know that I am a good and lovable person anyway. Yet every once in a while, I come across a situation — a job interview, a necessary conversation, or a first impression — that requires me to pretend those limits don’t exist. Often, pretending works, and I’m able to accomplish something out of my wheelhouse; a fake it ‘til you make it success story. This type of inflated self-belief isn’t deceptive. It’s just a limited resource. Believing I am qualified for something I may not, on paper, meet the requirements for, draws on a well of energy, confidence, and imagination that burns and depletes itself like a match. 

“Believing I am qualified for something I may not, on paper, meet the requirements for, draws on a well of energy, confidence, and imagination that burns and depletes itself like a match.”

I know tons of people understand what I’m talking about, because the concept of being “delusional” (or colloquially, “delulu”) has been trending on social media. Especially in reference to people inflating their expectations or self-estimates to achieve a goal. While I think the term “delusional” is — frankly — problematic (more on that in a second), I agree with the spirit of the idea. So I decided to speak with mental health experts about how to tap into that playful, aggrandized version of self-belief (and how to know when it’s time to come back down to earth).

What does it actually mean to be “delusional?” 

The word “delusional” has made its way into the public vernacular as a term for believing in something that’s unlikely. But delusion is a real mental health phenomenon that we should be careful about mislabeling.

“The word ‘delusional’ has made its way into the public vernacular as a term for believing in something that’s unlikely.”

“Clinically, a delusion is a fixed false belief that’s held with strong conviction despite very clear evidence to the contrary. It is usually a feature of certain psychiatric conditions and can cause significant distress,” says Dr. Pamela Waters. As someone with clinically diagnosed OCD who cringes every time a person uses the term incorrectly, I want to draw attention to these types of distinctions. Language is powerful, and misusing a diagnostic term can complicate things for people who need help.

I’ve used the term “delusional” thus far to point to the social media trend and imaginative thinking we’ve come to associate with the word. But for the rest of the article, I’ll be using more accurate (if slightly clunkier) terms. So bear with me, and onward we go!

Leaning into playful self-belief

There’s actually a term for believing in a version of yourself that doesn’t exist (yet), according to Mandy Heiser Cornelius, psychotherapist and owner at Mindful Therapy Collective. It’s called future-self continuity. When you feel connected to and emboldened by your visions for your future self, your current self makes choices to realize that identity. It’s essentially a self-fulfilling prophecy in the best way.

So when we lean into a playfully exaggerated side of our identity, we can fuel our confidence and develop our skills in real life. This can feel a little like “tricking” ourselves, but that might actually be okay. Both Waters and Cornelius told me that a little trickery can be key to circumventing the protective mechanisms we’ve all built up in response to fear and trauma. If everything in our consciousness is telling us that we’re bad at something because of past experiences, that can be hard to counter. Taking on a little bit of an alter ego — one that has zero misgivings about how talented we are — can be a crafty way to get around that (if only for a few hours). 

“A little trickery can be key to circumventing the protective mechanisms we’ve all built up in response to fear and trauma.”

Of course, this type of “playing pretend” is finite. We can embody this alternate version of ourselves for only so long before we get tired, we forget, or our more stubborn neuroses and fears poke holes in our mask. That doesn’t mean it’s all for naught. As Benjamin Mee puts it, “Sometimes, all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.” Like an offer for your dream job or a date with someone you really like, for example. 

There’s also reason to believe that leaning into our most drastically confident selves in the short term can rewire our brains in the long term. According to Cornelius, redirecting our focus to possibility can alter the neural pathways in our brain to help us think more positively and productively. It may also be the key to taking a chance on ourselves, even when we don’t feel ready. 

Confidence comes after the leap 

I’ve noticed a lot of “truths” — at least in western culture — have become inverted; like someone took good advice and flipped it to its mirror image.

We tend to believe success precedes happiness, rest comes only after work, and so on. But one of our most confounding beliefs is that we have to be confident and ready before we try something new. If self-assuredness comes from having tried things, then how can that possibly be true?

“I think in reality, the best we can do is to rehearse the confidence we might feel after we take a risk.”

I think in reality, the best we can do is to rehearse the confidence we might feel after we take a risk. And that’s where assuming an exaggerated self-confidence can be helpful.

As Heisler puts it, believing in an “unrealistic” outcome can actually expand our sense of what’s possible. It’s a temporary bridge over the choppy waters of a new experience. And on the other side lies our more steady, fulfilled selves who don’t need to pretend. 

How to stay grounded

If a borderline-theatric level of self-belief can be helpful to us, how do we know when we’ve taken it too far? The answer lies in our expectations. Cornelius points out that if we aim so high that we never actually get what we want, that can potentially have a demoralizing rebound effect.

“If a borderline-theatric level of self-belief can be helpful to us, how do we know when we’ve taken it too far?”

The key is to get a little cheeky about how well you’d like things to go, not create a vision of an entirely unattainable life. And of course, we don’t want to trample our more vulnerable emotions in an effort to remain optimistic.

“Helpful self-belief acknowledges challenges while still allowing room for hope and possibility,” says Cornelius. “When we skip over genuine feelings in an attempt to stay positive, we can lose touch with ourselves, and that can make it hard to process and move through those emotions. True self-belief means allowing both reality and hope to coexist.”

Leaning in 

Many adults — especially women — have been conditioned to underestimate ourselves. I can point to many examples in my own life where I was nudged toward humility over confidence, then expected to summon boldness out of the ether when I needed it. So often, what felt like pretension or arrogance in my mind was, in reality, just believing that I was worthy of basic goodness or recognition. 

“So often, what felt like pretension or arrogance in my mind was, in reality, just believing that I was worthy of basic goodness or recognition.”

So when my last relationship ended, I leaned into that self-perceived inflated ego a bit. I had a standard for how I wanted to be pursued, and I stuck with it even when it felt a little — to my mind — bratty. I was in my late twenties when I did that, and it was the first time I truly had fun dating. The type of people I attracted with my temporarily supercharged confidence were really good to me, and smart and fun too. The whole thing landed me a great guy I’m still with today. And I now perceive my “audacious” expectations as pretty damn reasonable for someone who loves me to meet. 

“I wish more people understood that we are often our own harshest critics, and that inner voice is usually something we’ve learned over time. The good news is that we can unlearn it. Imagination allows us to see beyond fear, and courage gives us the strength to act on that vision,” says Cornelius. Sometimes we’ve got to just imagine there’s nothing holding us down. Here are a few fun ways to do that: 

• Assume everyone likes you. Seriously, just assume, for one day, that everyone you meet is actively rooting for you and see how it feels.

• Replace “if” with “when” in your daydreams and — if you dare — your conversations. When you move to Cape Cod, when you write a bestselling novel, etc. I once talked to a teenager who came into my work about her future goals; she casually mentioned that she’s going to be the first female hockey player in the NHL. She said it the same way you’d mention it’s raining outside—just a simple fact. I still think about that! 

• Develop temporary amnesia for your failures. A time you’ve made a mistake? Nothing comes to mind…

You get to be Elle Woods, Cher Horowitz, or Vivian Ward whenever you want to. And the results may surprise you! 

An important note 

For some people, this kind of playful intensity can be an antidote to the things that would typically bring us down. But it’s good to approach these thought exercises with caution.

“Individuals who are experiencing psychosis, mania, or certain personality disorders that already involve challenges with reality testing may need to approach this concept carefully and ideally with professional support,” says Cornelius. She also points out that if you lean heavily toward perfectionism, it’s important not to let your expectations become your undoing. The idea is to play around and fuel your confidence, not create another type of pressure on yourself.

So with that in mind, I’d love to know: how do you plan on being a little over-the-top this week? Share your ideas in the comments so we can all be inspired.

Nicole Ahlering is an animal adoption counselor at her local humane society. She’s also a writer. (So basically, everything she wanted to be when she grew up!) When she’s not working, she’s hanging out with her kitties and her partner, drinking iced espresso, or reading something non-fiction.